The A to P of the Psych Ward Experience

A is for Agitation

The girl wore her jeans and her Neck Deep hoodie. When she spoke, it was soft and shaky, “What are the options?” She asked after sharing her concern of feeling restless.

The agitation came from a desire to dance around the ward and yet feel so deflated at the same time.

“We can look into temazepam, or people just like to walk around.” Said the treating team.

The girl spoke with more confidence this time and stated, “ I prefer not to be fully drugged.”

The next day, the girl asked the nursing staff if she could use the room to do a workout. She was granted access. She still felt restless even after her workout. So in the mornings, she decided to sing and walk around the ward. She sang with full liberation to her favorite tunes. Neck Deep, Fall Out Boy, The Story So Far and Ed Sheeran. This partially relieved the agitation, but not entirely. This began her journey of what it would be like in a psych ward.

B is for Boredom

The girl was bored on the ward. Even the groups on the ward that encourage social interactions were small in number. A small number of participants would join the social activities on the ward.The absence of comfortable chairs in the art room deterred the girl from creating art. Whilst on the ward, it can be described as cold. The sense of time is slowed down to the nearest second. She ended up waiting for meal times, and completed her laundry when she could. Each morning’s ritual was to make her bed, have breakfast and brush her teeth. Then to dance around the ward while singing songs to the top of her lungs. That was the only way to survive. She remembered one of the patients saying, “I’m either waiting for my meds or mealtime.”

C is for Craziness

Whilst the ward has semi-imposed rules, there are things that could be done with better care. At night, the girl’s period had come. She had asked nicely to one of the nursing staff if she could have a pair of underwear so she could wear her pad. She was too afraid to disclose that she had got her period. The nurse was not urgent enough to bring a set of underwear to her. So the girl resorted to having to wear a pad with no underwear in the blue pajama pants which they provided for her. In the end, the girl asked again for a pair of underwear, where the nursing staff had only allowed her to take one pair of fresh underwear. In these types of places, you have to continually ask for what you want, otherwise you will be forgotten.

D is for Dessert

‘Be careful’ she thought. The desserts on the ward were too hard to resist. Once it was placed in front of her, they were gobbled up right away.

E is for Episode of Psychosis

One episode of psychosis could bring her a thousand scenarios of trauma. The girl experienced saving humanity through a one person army, and a virus apocalypse which wiped out most of the human race. She had imagined it was all up to her to fight the virus all by herself, with no help at all. This was one of the scenarios which she experienced in her mind as her first episode of psychosis. She asked the lady in the bed next to her, “Are you alright? Did you want me to help you clean your bed together?” So she started cleaning while there was a virus apocalypse occurring, what more could she do?

F is for Fucked Up

For a quiet girl who rarely swore in public. Had said, “Get your hands off me fucking bitch,” to the staff who captured her on her attempt to escape the premises. She saw the openings to the exits, and took the opportunity to flee. She was clouded in her judgment, which caused her to speak so harshly to a group of people who instantly resorted to using restrictive practices to get her to do what they say. For her unsociable actions she was taken to a room where they had dragged her pants down to get a tranquiliser injected into her left gluteal cheek. It was a journey that felt dehumanizing, yet comical to the girl.     

G is for Grandiose

The sweet whisperings of mania is like an addictive substance. She had never tried illicit drugs before, and was never put on anti-psychotic medication. Until now. The feelings of invincibility came as a rush of adrenaline. Text messages that are too embarrassing to be shared were sent to her work colleague, who was also her love interest. What more could be done but to let the power of grandiosity consume her?

Fortunately, no replies came from the messages. But what was left were feelings of utter confusion and disgrace after the whole incident. The girl was left to sit with the monster that she would have to learn to tame.

H is for Home

When she realized that she had to prove herself to the medical team that you are fit to go home. The girl was asked to relax and find ways to express herself. She never really understood the difference between, to prove herself versus, to express herself. As they were the same. She came up with a list of sleep hygiene strategies, a sleep hygiene playlist, and was asked to do a timetable of her day. But the staff just wanted to see her smile. They wanted her to listen to music and dance.

The invisible itch to play music was finally scratched when she could go to the Low Dependency Unit. The girl had never played piano before, but an innate drawing to the instrument had conspired. The touch of the keys resonated a delicious melody.

We are free birds

Wanting to go home

Where is my home?

I love you my home

In my lover’s arms

I miss my home

I is for ‘I’

The girl rarely wanted to use ‘I’ in her encounters. As ‘I’ was a term used to focus on oneself. Weeks leading up to the whole incident she had stopped eating meals, lost sleep, lost her ability to function as a human being. Lost her purpose and identity by overthinking through each decision that she had in her day. This was the place where she had to think about ‘I.’

What did she want from life? What were her goals? The girl had constantly put these on the side, as people were more important to think about than her own self.

She discovered the whole ordeal with mental health is to focus on yourself. Then she thought that it is okay to love yourself, just how you can love other people for who they are.

J is for Jaded

The hospital experience had made the girl feel incompent with living her life. It’s a jaded experience. Furthermore, the brokenness doesn't begin at the hospital. It begins from a health care system that misses out on detecting psychological trauma, and having the right skills to work with it. A jaded system contributes to jaded people. How to confront the beast head on? This is what the girl thought. It’s to share our stories of the human condition in order for all to feel all facets of what this life has to offer.

K is for Killing the Soul

If there is such a thing called a ‘soul,’ this was the place where it gets sapped away. Confined in the walls of medication and restriction. How is the soul supposed to heal if it is only fed medication? There are different ways to heal one’s illness, otherwise, the power of medication can be debilitating in itself. Relying on medication as a quick fix, does not allow the individual to feel empowered to learn the skills that they need to learn in this lifetime, and become a walking zombie. As a result of being overly medicated. What can heal the soul? The arts, music, creativity and purposeful engagement to what matters most to the individual. A holistic lens is important, the girl had thought.

L is for Loneliness

The girl realized that to encounter feelings of loneliness, was to listen to her favourite tracks. The girl rarely spoke to the residents on the ward, for they too had their own troubles. Although, she did make one or two comrades.

Let’s talk about loneliness. The main driver that leads to feelings of dread. The girl had learnt that this world is cruel. The lonely feeling that you can’t always get what you want in this life. The lonely feeling that you have to go through this life with suffering and pain to learn and grow.

M is for Mental-Ill Health

The invisible illness that incinerates the brain. It’s an abnormality that can only be detected once something wrong happens. The girl had tried to seek help from professionals. She remembered sitting in a counseling room. She tried to show people that she needed help in coming to terms with who she was. The counselor brushed her off, and at the end of the session had asked if she was helpful. She remembered at this encounter that she no longer wanted to seek help as she thought she was coping alright. To recover from mental-ill health is another journey that this girl needs to figure out. For it is a gift and a curse to live with. On one hand, it is a gift, as it let’s her piece together who she is and transforms her into the person she needs to become. Whilst it is a curse, as you’ll forever be bound by her own mind’s shackles in order for her to live in this world.

O is for Overthinking

She had answered the doctor’s question with uncertainty, for she wanted to make sure that the answer led her to the pathway of home. She wanted them to know that she was competent to carry out a normal conversation. At times, the girl could be lost in her thoughts, as they consumed her moments of wakefulness. The thoughts were of paralyzing fear, sadness, elation, boredom. Overthinking through her episodes of psychosis. Overthinking through anything that could potentially stop her from going home.

P is for Psych Ward

The silent ‘P’ represents the sound of the voices that have been silenced due to their mental health condition. The girl knows that with being institutionalized, people become silenced. The voices have no sound, no tone, or texture. They become a cardboard box. They are forced to present just how everyone else presents to conform. The psychiatric ward is for healing, and searching for the soul. This has to be done whilst the silenced are in a sea of panic and pain. The girl on the ward had only felt a small proportion of self- healing as she was forced to piece herself together. She wants to live in this world to feel the extent of what this life has to offer. The girl learns that she has to live with the monster that she has to tame.